my masterpiece, v1.0

I had the privilege to interview Rachael Goodman-Williams who founded And It Was Wrong, a website devoted to collecting and sharing women’s experiences with sexual assault. I was drawn to the poignant simplicity and comforting rawness of the website, and the fact of its mere existence. A storytelling class that I’m currently taking has made me realize very quickly that certain themes aren’t shared enough, and a poignant story can make all the difference in understanding. Even though the topic is weighty, it’s uplifting, too.

***************

Jen Bokoff: What made you start collecting stories?

Rachael Goodman-Williams: The project itself was actually around for quite a while before it ever went online. In January of 2006, I was sitting in my freshman dorm room watching The L Word. In a Season 3 episode, one character is confronting another about how he had violated her. There is a moment where she asks him if he has any sisters. He responds by saying that yes, he has two younger sisters. She then tells him that she wants him to call his sisters and ask when the first time was that they were violated or intruded upon by a man. He asks her what makes her think that this has happened to his sisters. She answers that it has happened to every woman, at one point in her life or another. She says that sometimes it relatively benign and sometimes it hurts a hell of a lot, but it has happened to all of us.

I remember sitting there and wondering whether that was true. Had that happened to me? Soon after, a good friend called and told me about the previous night - about her night of being touched by a friend while she tried to sleep, a friend whom she had trusted completely - she kept saying that maybe he had been tired or maybe he didn’t mean to. She told me that it was really no big deal.

In that moment, I realized these things are a big deal. All of them. For some reason, for so many reasons, we try to write them off and push them away. We look at the sort of ‘stranger-in-a-dark-alley-rape’ image that we see recognized by society, and say to ourselves “That isn’t what happened to me, and I don’t see what happened to me being talked about anywhere, so I guess what happened to me just isn’t a big deal.” I realized that we needed a space to speak to these experiences and redefine what is a ‘big deal’ and what is worth talking about, so I started And It Was Wrong.

JB: Who did you share the stories with before there was a website?

RGW: At the beginning, I shared the stories at Take Back The Night rallies, open mics, and pretty much any other safe venue that would have me. Later, I used the stories as the basis for a sexual assault  prevention program that I facilitated with incoming college freshmen. Then as an Americorps member in Oregon, I incorporated the stories into the Girls’ Empowerment Groups I  ran at local high schools.

JB: I really respect how every story ends with the same, true words “And it was wrong.” Where did that concept come from?

RGW: It was a concept that came from watching so many of us write off our experiences because of what they weren’t. Often they weren’t violent; often they weren’t legally rape; often they weren’t strangers, and because of all of the things they weren’t, many of us came to the conclusion that they weren’t a big deal. I don’t care whether we call these things rape, I don’t care whether we call them sexual assault, let’s just call them wrong.

JB: What is your ultimate goal for the website, and what do you need to make it happen? 

RGW: My primary goal is to provide a space for people to grapple with and come to terms with their experiences, both through hearing about others’ experiences and possibly sharing their own. Beyond that, I am open to the project going in many different directions. I’ve used the stories as a basis for a sexual assault prevention program that I’ve facilitated with incoming college students—I’d love to continue with that. I’ve thought about the stories ending up in a book someday, too. To make it happen, I need people tol continue to share their experiences as well as their feedback on what would make this project meaningful for them.

JB: What advice do you have for women who have been in an uncomfortable situation but don’t know how to talk about it?

RGW: The first woman who submitted a story to And It Was Wrong wrote that when she told her friend what had happened, her friend said “It happens to all of us, it’s just something that we don’t talk about.” My advice to everyone is that we need to talk about it. We need to recognize that these things are not OK. Everyone deserves to be respected and to have their consent - their active “yes” - be asked for and given before their body is touched in any way. Believe that’s what you deserve, believe that’s what others deserve, and work toward a society that doesn’t accept any less.

***************

And It Was Wrong is always accepting submissions and will continue to have impact if shared with a larger community, so I encourage you to share this with people you care about.

I posted this to my Facebook wall last week and received many concurrent responses:

It really bothers me when people who don’t understand an idea or issue jump to “no” instead of asking the right questions to make informed decisions. Shutting down thoughtful ideas and not trying to understand the root of an issue is entirely counterproductive.

I’ve been seeing this happen more and more. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, people everywhere do it. We say no because it’s easier; we don’t have to change our thought process or challenge our understanding of anything. But, saying no stifles creativity, inhibits trust, breeds negativity, and closes doors.

In improv, one of the key principles is to say yes and then contribute something else*. You don’t have to necessarily agree with the information or question posited to you, but it’s essential to recognize it as valid. You can ask questions to flesh it out more or mold the idea into version 2.0. Again, improv translates to ‘real life’; this is a technique we could all try to integrate more into our daily communications to be better both at work and in our personal lives.

If you take on the challenge of accepting and exploring the unknown, do share how it goes!

*For a really great explanation of yes and, check out this excerpt from Tina Fey’s book Bossypants.

I recently had the pleasure of attending two sessions at the Mobilize.org Millennial Summit with ~100 other Millennials with do-gooder visions and pragmatic solutions. Some, like Daniel, Mike, and Lana, already are making a huge dent in leading our generation to make giving a habit with substantial impact, and others like Marc, who have done some neat stuff, are continuing to become scholars in service and leadership. Some, like Allison, Jose, Chris, and Cliff, have great twitter feeds for their passions that I now follow and learn from. Still others, like the Team Rubicon guys, fell into their disaster relief model and ran with it; bringing it to admirable scale in just under 3 years.

The first session that I attended featured four 20-somethings who all started a social enterprise or nonprofit talking about aspects of the experience. Team Rubicon, for instance, discussed integrity: what it means, some difficult situations they had experienced, and how to make sure that integrity is part of the business plan. Sarah, the cofounder of Knowledge as Power, spoke about everything that can go wrong and make you want to quit, but how to stick to a vision while pragmatically refining goals as necessary and tapping into all available resources. Each speaker was introduced by a member of the Mobilize.org team, and it really highlighted the deep relationship that they have with each participant that goes far beyond the grant that a team might receive.

There was a 25 minute break before the next session, so I went to Starbucks with several participants. I spoke with some about their involvement with mobilize.org, and they couldn’t say enough good things about the summits, both in terms of connections made and advice received. They keep coming back because” it would be a loss not to”.  Business cards were flying, questions about “why do you do it?” were being sincerely posed across lines of geography and program area, and plans to connect after the summit were inked onto calendars.

The next session was a more intimate (~16 people) breakout to discuss social enterprise in the future. There was a lot of diversity of opinions and experience in the room, and it showed as folks discussed everything from the merits and pitfalls of Apple’s successful business model (which brushes off charity and perhaps too environmentally friendly production of materials) to how to best structure an innovative idea in a way that makes the risk marketable to funders. During the loose panel / conversation, people were also referencing early conference speakers very specifically, which to me showed a very comprehensive agenda that was resonant with participants. Not only was it a good conversation, but people certainly left with a refined thought process on solutions to social problems and their role(s) in doing so. They broadened their understanding of social entrepreneurship as each of an idea, a model, and a goal by integrating others’ thoughts and experiences. I enjoyed speaking with the StartingBloc, Nexus: Global Youth Summit, and One Percept Foundation folks after this about their role in the sector, and found a surprising level of awareness that they’re doing something big coupled with confidence to keep learning and improving.

I was in the middle of writing this blog post - still without the right word to describe the individuals in attendance - when I shamelessly watched The Holiday and Eli Wallach’s character explained gumption best: In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. Leading ladies [or gentlemen!] have gumption. Everyone at this conference has gumption and will undoubtably create something positive and innovative to impact the world.